Staying Home Vs. Going to Work

Okay so the whole staying home vs. going to work debate has come back up in my head lately. I guess I am just starting to get stressed out again cause Addie is going through one of those difficult stages...the one where she wants me to hold her all the time and also where she is getting into anything and everything she doesn't need (her best friends are all the health & beauty care products she can reach.) I guess in the four years I have been home I have yet to find the right balance of spending quality time with the kids, cleaning the house, me time, and relationship time. Some days I look at the girls at the end of the day and it is hard to remember anything we really did together all day. Even though we are together all day, everyday, I feel like I fail to spend enough time making good memories with them. I am definitely not the type of stay-at-home mom I dreamed I would be...the kind who always had dinner on the table, a spotless house, the kids a lined up social calendar, and who did fun, learning activities with the kids...Okay, who am I kidding there are not enough hours in the day...but I guess I still feel like this is who I should be and I beat myself up on the inside when days go by where we do none of these things. Sometimes I feel like the girls would be better suited in a good daycare where they could be constantly busy. I know I get lonely sometimes, and I work better on a set schedule that comes from working outside the home. It might sound silly, but in some ways I think I would get alot more done at home and spend alot more quality time with the kids if I worked...When I have all day to get things done I procrastinate, but if I know 40 hrs of my week are at work I am more likely to kick it into high gear and get more done. This is just how my brain has always worked...the more external demands there are on me the more productive I am. I don't think enough has been demanded or expected of me lately and I have failed to step up on my own. I just want what is best for the kids, and I have always thought I was doing the right thing for us by staying home...I guess I just second guess sometimes. I read something somewhere the other day about deciding the kind of person you want to be and then making baby steps towards that goal everyday. Then someday you will wake up and be the person you have always aspired to be. This is my new goal...baby steps. When I try to do it all at once I fail terribly. Okay this is a bunch of jibber jabber I know...probably doesn't make much sense...but I feel a little better.